mother wore sevens and it seemed that three sizes larger would sure- ly fit. But I had a hard time finding tens in the styles I wanted. Finally the clerk pulled out a lovely pair of high heeled black patent leather pumps in size ten.

"These are tens and they are twelve ninety five." He looked at me questioningly, inferring that I would balk at the price or questioning such a large purchase for someone else. Guilt filling my mind like a cloud of choking dust I imagined all sorts of delus- ions that the clerk might be contemplating. Still I hastely pulled out thirteen dollars and some change and paid him, leaving the store quickly. Two girls giggled at me, I imagined, as I left. They, of course, might be giggling at anything. Smithville was a large midwestern town of thirty thousand, but it was not impossible that I would run into an aunt or someone, even my mother, in a store and to explain would be murder..

Later, in my room, I slipped the shoes on. On, how delight- ful, how wonderful. The feeling ran clear through my body. The compulsion had been answered, the desire met. Now I could face another period of life with the knowledge that in my room hidden safely away were these shoes to fill my hours of fantasy with when things got too unbearable....

At night I would try to learn to walk in the shoes. It was hard at first to keep my balance and I was so afraid that the click click would be heard somewhere else in the huge house. Each time I hid the shoes I made certain that they were put up in such a man- ner that should someone discover it I could tell if they had been molested--such as folding the paper just so in the shoe box. I also planned to have a story at hand to explain their presence in my room. "Oh those, I just found them, thought you'd like them, but forgot them" or something desperate and still rational sounding--I took other female clothes at various times from my two sisters or mother--furtive little acquisitions taken in such odd intervals that they were not missed or else their missing would seem innocent enough. Things do get lost and of course the girls would never guess that their skirts and things were hidden in my room.

Still, dressing in the dead of night or when the rest of the family was away entailed some risk. Fortunately, we lived in the country. The nearest house was over a mile distant, and a long road led up to ours. When the family left, I would be left in charge of the place. Sometimes, they would go away for three or

14.